Taming my inner demons.

AFTER THE STORM- MUMFORD AND SONS

And after the storm

I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

How amazing are these lyrics?! Maybe it's just me, but every time I listen to Mumford and Sons I feel like life has beauty again. Whenever I'm in a bad mood, panicked state if mind, or just emotionally checked out, I play their album and I have hope again. No one writes like this anymore, and it makes me sad. But honestly, I feel like no one HAS written like this; it's too deep to be an average occurrence.

To be completely honest, I struggle with what Dr.s say is 'High Anxiety' and a 'Heightened Sense of Self'. I know, sounds like the average teenager, right? It's because of the  "extremely sophisticated" names for the diagnosis.

Because of my heightened sense of self, I tend to experience my surroundings and my sense of the world as if I were looking down on myself living. People say that they have "out of body experiences" and that it can change their whole view of life. The thing that people forget to mention is that while these experiences are happening, it's a very surreal uncomfortable feeling. Yes, it does change how you view life and the world. The reason that no one really complains about having them is that it happens to quickly, in retrospect, that they can go back to their normal routine and it's nothing to fret about. When I do, however, it can last up to a few days at a time. It makes me feel like I'm constantly in a dream state and everything is coming at me in "fish-eye" view. This, mixed with my high anxiety, creates panic and chaos in my head and in my heart that I can't shake. I have anxiety attacks at the least, once a month. When I first started getting them I had panic attacks every single night for eight months straight. If you've ever had one, you know that it feels like a heart attack, but where everything is more aware and where you're very, very, very scared. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.


But, through therapy, advice, daily scripture study and prayer, and the support of my family and friends I've started to come to terms and control my anxiety when ever it flares up. Notice I say started.


The reason why I mention all of this, is because the music from Mumford and Sons has been known to help me work through anxiety attacks. It's a spiritual thing for me, and I really hope you see how special this kind of music is.

It probably sounds really dumb, but music to me is almost as vital as air. 

It's my release from the world, and my doorway to heaven.