I was bullied.

Caution: foul language is used in this post. If you don't wanna see it, don't read this.

So there is a lot of hype in the media lately about bullying. As if its become some sort of fad to stand up against it. Its great that people are taking such a scary situation seriously, but would it even matter if it wasn't in the tabloids? Or would people still be ignoring it?

I just read the bullying post on 'Single Dad Laughing'. It really touched me, in a way that only a bullied kid could ever understand. I'm not even sure my parents are aware of how bad it used to be for me, but "Single Dad" has inspired me to tell my own story, though my story is no where near as awful as what he went through.

Hopefully it can touch someone's life and open their eyes to a growing problem. Whatever happens, I just feel like I have to try to do my part.

It started in sixth grade.

My mom had just recently separated from her second husband and moved my siblings and I back to Utah. Our family was going through a ton of heartbreak and we were all ready to move forward with our lives.

I started school on the first day of the year. I felt awkward, just like every other kid in my class. Most of them had grown up in the same neighborhood, so there were already cliques in place.

When the teacher called my full name to take roll I didn't think anything of it.... until everyone burst out laughing. My name is McKenzie Balls. Not that it was funny, but they were laughing AT me. I was embarrassed and hurt. How could something as simple as a last name I was born into be a joke? 

I'm not sure exactly what days it happened. Or what led up to it. All I remember are a few key events.

There was a rumor started that I was a whore, and that's how I got my last name. Obviously that doesn't make any sense. Obviously I was only a naiive sixth grader, so I couldn't have been a whore. Even if I wanted to be.

Excuse my language in these next few lines. They disgust me and hurt. But these are just a few of the names I was called (all by boys I might add):

Cum guzzler
Hoe bag
Dog face
Retarded bitch

Plus a slur of other names all in Spanish.

I remember one time during recess, I made a joke to one of the girls in my class. She was one of the few friends I had. But somehow my joke upset her. Thinking back on it, I still don't understand. But whatever. Anyway, all the girls in my grade formed a circle around me and started yelling at me and calling me names. I just sat down and covered my ears and cried. They didn't stop until the bell rang. My teacher had to come out to get me.

That year my panic attacks started.

Towards the end of the year things eased up and a new girl moved in. She defended me and we were friends. Ill always be grateful for that.

Things were forgotten by the time 7th grade started at the Jr high. But the damage was done.

We moved to a new town and I was able to start fresh.
I took 7th grade twice because my parents were worried about my social growth... I mean of course they were. But they didn't know why.

By the time I hit 9th grade I was scared to go to school. I refused. My literally had to be dragged a few times. Needless to say, I was almost not able to graduate on time because of my suffering marks from 9th grade.

It sucks and I've moved past a lot of it... but sometimes it still makes me sad to think that those kids could be so cruel and that kids just like them are hurting kids just like me.

I really recommend that you take EVERY possible action to get more involved at you children's school and to better understand what goes on on a daily basis while they're at school.

I hope this helps someone somewhere. Know that you can stand up for yourself and that you're never alone.

Taming my inner demons.

AFTER THE STORM- MUMFORD AND SONS

And after the storm

I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
With grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

How amazing are these lyrics?! Maybe it's just me, but every time I listen to Mumford and Sons I feel like life has beauty again. Whenever I'm in a bad mood, panicked state if mind, or just emotionally checked out, I play their album and I have hope again. No one writes like this anymore, and it makes me sad. But honestly, I feel like no one HAS written like this; it's too deep to be an average occurrence.

To be completely honest, I struggle with what Dr.s say is 'High Anxiety' and a 'Heightened Sense of Self'. I know, sounds like the average teenager, right? It's because of the  "extremely sophisticated" names for the diagnosis.

Because of my heightened sense of self, I tend to experience my surroundings and my sense of the world as if I were looking down on myself living. People say that they have "out of body experiences" and that it can change their whole view of life. The thing that people forget to mention is that while these experiences are happening, it's a very surreal uncomfortable feeling. Yes, it does change how you view life and the world. The reason that no one really complains about having them is that it happens to quickly, in retrospect, that they can go back to their normal routine and it's nothing to fret about. When I do, however, it can last up to a few days at a time. It makes me feel like I'm constantly in a dream state and everything is coming at me in "fish-eye" view. This, mixed with my high anxiety, creates panic and chaos in my head and in my heart that I can't shake. I have anxiety attacks at the least, once a month. When I first started getting them I had panic attacks every single night for eight months straight. If you've ever had one, you know that it feels like a heart attack, but where everything is more aware and where you're very, very, very scared. It's one of the worst feelings I've ever felt.


But, through therapy, advice, daily scripture study and prayer, and the support of my family and friends I've started to come to terms and control my anxiety when ever it flares up. Notice I say started.


The reason why I mention all of this, is because the music from Mumford and Sons has been known to help me work through anxiety attacks. It's a spiritual thing for me, and I really hope you see how special this kind of music is.

It probably sounds really dumb, but music to me is almost as vital as air. 

It's my release from the world, and my doorway to heaven.

Name Changes

So the other day, Brady decided to change his name to

Batman Starwars Train McDonalds Brady Gunnar Firetruck Oatmeal Ambulance Schow.
         - Batman for short.

He's pretty set on this being his name. My mom told him if he wants to change his name to this for real, he needs to wait until he's 18 and then he can. He's pretty excited. He says it's because they are all his favorite things.

If you could change your name to anything in the world, what would it be? If you have no clue, follow "Batman"'s advice and make your name out of your favorite things. Let me know what they are. I'm in need of a good laugh these days :)

You tell me

So about a week ago, I was going through my friend Ambry's photos on facebook. A few years ago she was modeling around the community for advertisements and personal artistic outlet. She has a great portfolio!

Here's her modeling page: https://www.facebook.com/ambry.abomination

Anyway, while looking through them I got the crazy idea that "Hey, I should be a model too!"

Yea.....

So I texted and emailed Ambry trying to get information on how to get started and what it really takes to be in the biz. She gave me a couple of guys numbers right then.

Since then I've already had my first photoshoot. Crazy yes? Well, I have like 3 more photoshoots before May is out. I think that's pretty good for only being at it for a week!

Here are a few of my favorite shots from the shoot:

Love this one!

Kinda worry that this one is too provocative, but I still like it! 

Pretty in Pink.

I think this is way cute. 

Good pose.

I love my butt in this picture!!!!!

HAHA! Anyway... Here's my modeling page url. Like it! 

facebook.com/mckenziereneemodeling 

Anyway, the question from all of this is: Should I still pursue it, or was it just something fun to do?

You tell me.

BAM Red

For the longest time I've wanted my hair to be BAM red like the character Cat Valentine from the Nickelodeon T.V. show Victorious. Now if you've never seen the show you're in for a treat. This is what I want my hair to be like:

I have no clue why i love it so much, I just do! It's so cute! Last night I invited my best friend forever, Bee, and my boyfriend, Kevan, over to my house to hang out. We decided to try to dye my hair like Cat's and this is the box that we used:

It looks similar to Cat's, right? I thought "It'll be fine. Since my hair is so blond right now, it'll be redder than what the box says..."

  I WAS SO WRONG!


This is what it turned out as:

Yea I was sort of disappointed. But, I guess that's what I get for using box color. :p
I just hate how dishonest people are. If they say it's going to be that color, I WANT IT TO BE THAT COLOR! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

I guess It's something I'll just have to try in 6 weeks when I can add chemicals to my hair again. GAH!

I hate waiting. Oh well. At least it's just hair right? it'll grow out and then I can see if it'll work..

Anyway, here are some more pics from our adventure:

The Before

I was scared of them. 

Still working...

Waiting for it to set. Barbara said I was her new boyfriend, Bobby, with that hair-do.

Me Planking.

Kevan's Owling. 

Craving Cookies.

* So yesterday my mom had a really great bake sale. It was a fundraiser for her because she had thyroid cancer in October, and is currently in remission. It was way fun, but now I'm definitely feeling the pain of a long day in the sun. At least it was finally warm though. There was so much food, and still have so many goodies left over!

Even though they sold over half of what they made, there was still enough to fill the trunk of my mom's car when she left.

I'm starting to crave everything from yesterday. I want to go over to my mom's and jack a whole bunch of cookies, and mmm that banana bread! LOL. But it's Sunday.. and I have no way over there for the day. Maybe I'll go tomorrow morning when they're at school.... CRAP! It's finals week... I don't know if they even have class tomorrow. * Anyway, so I'm moving back in with my mom and dad this next weekend. Just for a few weeks though. Enough time to get on my feet and save some money to move into Branbury Apartments in Provo. I really wanna move there. It looks so cute, and has a lot of great people in a really safe atmosphere. Which is definitely what I need in my life right now. SAFE. I've just been feeling overwhelmed with everything lately and it's going to be good to get some support from my parents and then go to a place that's close to them but also good for my own spiritual and emotional growth. ....and also for the days that I am overwhelmed and can't handle much around me... there's a free spa for the tenants! LOL :p * I'm also trying to save money over the summer, so that I can get a group of friends and go to Disneyland over Halloween this year. I'm so excited! My first vacation without family and just friends in "The happiest place on Earth!" I'm still trying to convince people to come with me... we will see how that goes. I'll keep you posted.

2012= New Directions.

So obviously, I haven't posted for a while. I have no idea why i haven't... I just stopped caring. And you know, that's the reason why none of my blogs have been successful. I was trying too hard to be so deep, and even though those past posts are my true thoughts and feelings, it's not realistic for my everyday humbug. Maybe I should just make it a diary blog.... I have no clue. I'm just up late on Facebook, trying to figure out my life. You know, no big deal. Regardless though, it's always nice to be able to share my thoughts with someone... even if that someone is me. So I'll continue to post (however irregularly) just because I can. :)